Recently, a team of historians of American literature unearthed a draft of what appears to be a forgotten -- or, perhaps, omitted -- outtake from Walker Percy's Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book:
The Pile of Crap Questionnaire
You are faced with a pile of crap. What is your response?
a) "That is not crap." (Denial.)
b) "Let us run some tests to see if it is indeed a pile of crap." (Empirical-scientific view of world.)
c) "That is not crap, but merely the illusion of crap." (Veil-of-Maya view of world.)
d) "Crap is nature's way of keeping us on track evolutionarily." (Sociobiology explains it all.)
e) "That's a pile of carp, not crap." (Dyslexia explains it all.)
f) "You think that's crap? I'll show you crap." (Superego explains it all, beatings included no extra charge.)
g) "Historico-epistemically speaking..." (Egghead Delusion, soon to be appear in the DSM-V.)
h) "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG" (Hysteria. Requires Blackberry, Twitter account, sedatives.)
i) "My shovel, please." (Heroic pragmatism, can-do attitude.)
j) "How about you shovel, and I'll pay you later, maybe." (Late capitalism.)
k) "Lucky are those who find their bliss in the ordinary." (Inverted snobbery.)
l) "You wouldn't know crap if it hit you in the face." (Ordinary snobbery. May not be good enough for some people.)
m) "Ew." (You know who thinks this.)
n) "This doesn't go in the compost, does it?" (Enviro-anxiety.)
o) "Let's set it on fire. (Pyromania. Maybe just mania.)
Later: I read the list to Jane, and she interrupted me at "c": "Just what sort of crap are we talking about here, exactly?"
